If she were mine
by DSISandraPullman39
Summary: If she ever allows me to show them all how much I love her and that's she's mine it will be so different every triumph and every moment of pain that she has will be mine too now and for always.
1. Chapter 1

**If she were mine 1/2**

**Disclaimer:-** Don't own them just borrowing!

**Episode:- **None

**Pairing:-** Jean/James

**Rating:- **T

**Achieve:- ** **http(:/) . /group/rebeccafrontlewisffarchive/**

**Summary:- **If she ever allows me to show them all how much I love her and that's she's mine it will be so different every triumph and every moment of pain that she has will be mine too now and for always.

**Author's Note:- **This was only supposed to be a short angsty thing but it's got away from me a little so there'll be a second chapter next week! Enjoy and reviews would be lovely.

"Is that him?" My voice is low as I turn to Robbie and he follows my gaze to where our boss is walking down the aisle of the crematorium a sombre looking man at her side.

"Yeah that's him. Richard Innocent he can't even pretend he's interested in comforting her when she's burying her mother. The man is an idiot I don't know why she stays with him." He'll get no argument from me there but right now all I can focus on is her. The way I can see that she's trying so hard to be strong while her sister is comforted by her side, the slight puffiness to her eyes that is almost hidden by the makeup she's so carefully applied I can feel the sorrow radiating from her from the other side of the room, I can feel her need to be held and comforted like her sister is being by her own husband yet he stands there like he hasn't even noticed she's beside him.

"Can't he see she's upset? He's not even making an effort to try to comfort her how can he not see how upset she is and not want to make her feel better?" He's not really listening to me as the old organ in the corner of the room strikes up "Abide with me" and the room stands to begin the service.

With all my heart I want to be the man by her side right now. I want to hold her hand, rest my arm around her should, absorb the pain and try to ease it. I want to be the man now whispering in her ear as she makes her way to the front of the room to deliver her eulogy that she'll be fine and I'm proud of her yet he's not even in the room, he looks like he could be anywhere and with anyone instead of the woman he's supposed to love. Doesn't he realise how lucky he is? Doesn't he realise how quickly I would steal her away from him if for a second I thought she'd let me?

As she begins her words shaky yet determined and I listen to her talk I can hear the emotion behind each word as they elicit an even stronger reaction from her sister whose husband holds her close letting her cry. She falters and I see her son move to join her to show his support before his father rests a hand on his arm shaking his head and making him retake his seat. Finally she makes it to the end and I have to fight my desire to go to her, to hold her and tell her it will be ok that I'm here for her and I'll make it all better. I don't know how he can claim to love her and not feel the same. I don't know how he can look at the woman who has given him a quarter of a century of her life and not want to make her pain go away,

Watching her I'm reminded of all the reasons she's stolen my heart and that mean I have no hope of ever claiming it back from here. The strength in her stance as it's obvious she won't allow herself to break down. The sadness in the hint of a smile she graces me and Robbie with as she turns and sees us her gratitude at our attendance obvious. The smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes, those eyes that I drown in on a daily basis, the chestnut depths usually so full of warmth are lined with red and radiating need for someone, anyone to tell her it's going to be ok. The gentle blush to her cheeks that makes her look normally so alive, so beautiful has been replaced with the ghostly white of grief in spite of her attempts to hide it. Even from so far away her suffering is making my soul ache with empathy yet it's so obvious he's apathetic to it.

"Thank you for coming, both of you, it means a lot." Filing past her and the rest of her family as she gently squeezes my hand I battle again with my desire to pull her into my arms, place gentle kisses on the top of her head and tell her I will do everything I can to take her pain away. I can feel her husband's eyes on us though, on both of us as Robbie senses the building tension and gently guides me away.

"We both know the man is a bastard James but he's still her husband and making your dislike of him so obvious won't make her life any easier right now. We can check she's ok when she comes back to work." I know he's right yet as I glance back and see her eyes follow us as we leave my heart breaks. Everything about this feels wrong, the woman I love with all my heart is in pain, needs someone, someone I want to be me, and yet I'm leaving. I know I'll remember that look in her eyes until the day I die as I swear to myself if I'm ever allowed to show the world what she means to me no one will ever look at me by her side and think "If she were mine it would be so different." If she ever allows me to show them all how much I love her and that's she's mine it will be so different every triumph and every moment of pain that she has will be mine too now and for always.


	2. Chapter 2

**** For authors notes, disclaimer etc. see chapter 1**

**If she were mine 2/2**

"Can I come in?" She knows she doesn't need to ask, she knows I've been sitting here since I left the crematorium this afternoon praying that she'll come, that she'll find a way to get away and allow me to comfort her in the way she needs comforted. You see when I said I wished she was mine I forgot to mention that in a way she is just not in the way I want her to be in these situations. She's not ready to walk away from her marriage, she's not ready to let the world, her family, her son know what I do, that for years they have been living separate lives. I meant it when I said I would steal her away from him if she'd let me but she won't, not yet, so I have to be there for her when she needs me. Now she barely made it through the door before she's crumpled into my arms her quiet sobs as I guide her back into the living room and on to the sofa breaking my heart.

"Ssssh darling I'm here it's ok I so wanted to be by your side today, to hold you and show them all that someone does love you and support you even if he doesn't but I'm here now let it out." For what seems like an eternity she cries as I gently rock her to and fro placing soothing kisses on the top of her head letting her release the pain and tension I know she has been holding onto all day.

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have come it's not fair." We have this discussion every time this happens, every time there's a deviation from the usual routine of our relationship, every time she allows herself to need me like I wish she would all the time.

"Jean when are you going to realise you could turn up here every night for the rest of our lives and it would only make my days more complete? When are you going to realise that I want, I need , to be the man who's there for you at these times. Watching you walk into that crematorium this morning with him so cold and unloving by your side was the hardest thing I've ever lived through. It's hard enough knowing how little he cares for you but actually seeing it…well it was hard not to step in, to ask him why couldn't see how lucky he was to have you every day."

"I….well for the first time I…never mind it doesn't matter thank you for coming however hard it was for you, just knowing you were there made me feel a little less alone." She wants to say something, needs to say it even but she won't I can see the reserve in her eyes in the way she refuses to meet my gaze and for a second I dare to let my heart believe the time really is near when she will take the final leap of faith I took months ago.

"For the first time you what darling, talk to me."

"For the first time I realised that I don't care about what others will say, the last few days have been the worst in my life and all I could think was how I wanted it to be you that was there for me through it all. The more he ignored me and all the plans I had to make the more I realised I didn't care anymore because even if he'd made the effort it wouldn't have been him I wanted. Even if he'd held me, let me cry it wouldn't have made any difference because it wasn't you, even if he'd comforted me today during the service it wouldn't have made it better because it wouldn't have been you." She's gently brushing my lips with hers and I know she doesn't want me to answer she doesn't want me to say she's right and I agree because she already knows how I feel. Right now she needs me to help her forget, block out the previous few days and I can't think of anything I'd rather do right now.

"I love you and the only thing that matters to me is that you are ok if that means things staying how they are that's fine but if you want things to change you know I'm here waiting." It's all I need to say all I need to do because she knows how true those words are and always has.

"Will you take me to bed James, I know it's unfair to ask I know how you must feel about this at times but I need to feel how much you love me, I need to forget about everything else even only for a little while. I..."

"You never need to ask my darling, you never need to explain I understand and there is nothing unfair about being allowed to make love to you, you know I would spend the rest of my life indulging in how amazing it is to be with you and consider it a life well spent." Right now I can't think of a single thing I want to do more than make the world to away for her, for both of us, to allow us to believe even if only for a short time that this is what our lives can be about.

Pulling her into my arms and toward the bedroom I know neither of us needs to say more, she's given told me what she needs and I've willingly consented to give it to her, how could I not. The tenderness of her kiss sets the mood for what I know will be as amazing as it always is to make love to her. Whether it's the frantic release of days or weeks when we have not been able to be together, the lazy familiarity of love that can't show it's face in public or the slow tender expression of love and mutual need that it is tonight it's never more than mind blowing. As I slowly strip away the black jacket and perfectly fitted dress that was the external manifestation of her grief I know she needs me to take control, to be the one person she can true, trust to do what she wants, give her want she needs and I don't plan on disappointing her. The softness of we skin against mine, the quiet moans and gasps as I shower every inch of her in loving touches, kisses is all I need to know that I am truly giving her want she needs. The way she clings to me as I slowly glide into her, the way she tells me how much she loves me as I move tenderly inside her makes it impossible for me to focus on anything other than her and the way she seems to hypnotise me with the mahogany depths of her eyes as I look for the tell-tale signs that she's close to climax. It doesn't take long for me to achieve my goal as she gives a silent scream her body arching toward me, her walls convulsing around my length until I am drowning in my own onslaught of pleasure.

"Thank you." She can see how amazed I am at the comment, she has nothing to thank me for and she knows it. "Thank you for loving me unconditionally, thank you for never demanding more even though we both know you deserve it. Thank you for being the only person I know will always be there for me. I promise not much longer James I'm ready I just need to find a way to make it happen."

"Whenever you're ready I'm here Jean if that's sooner rather than later then great but if it's not we will make it work we have done so far." The contented sigh she gives as she curls into me sleep only seconds from claiming I know that for now I have played my part. Not only that but I've been reminded that he may be there man the world sees as hers but in truth I don't need to wish that she were mine, she is and always will be even if we are the only two people ever to know it.


End file.
